Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
So after yesterday's melt down and total life collapse.. I did what I usually do.. I asked God for help.. But this time I said the words I had held forever in my heart.
Are you really there? and why am I not good enough, even for You?
It was an intense moment. A question of my very faith. I have always and I mean always believed in God.. and to hear myself utter the unbelievable question, Are You real, astounded me. And yet, they have echoed in my heart for many years.
There are times when I feel like I am just talking to air.. and yet whenever I really look back over my life, I see that God was indeed there.. protecting me from the more serious consequences of my incredibly stupid bad choices. But I wonder, why do my miracles always come in the invisible manner.. by that I mean become obvious only after the fact? Just once couldn't I have this grand moment?
It'd hard to say the envy in my heart.. for those who live day by day in God's love.. with a spouse that loves and admires them. With a roof over their heads and a family around them. With friends.. while I sit here day after day alone.. Deeply and extremely alone. Of all the commandments I break.. coveting has to be my absolute worst.. I have this deep seeded need for family.. one that truly and completely loves me. And yet, I just can't get it... I have to wonder why not? What is wrong with me?
Is it because I walk the fence between Christianity and secularity? I can not fathom living a wild life and I stumble constantly at living a Christ like one.. What is wrong with me? How can I fix this? Don't know if I can.. Although, I can put myself in God's hands and stop trying to be the one who does all the work... That is hard.. let go and let God.. how do people do that?
I fear so very deeply.. it invades my dreams and yet when the darkness comes and my dreams are at their worst.. I find myself singing hymns.. Yep in my subconscious I know to put my life in God's hands.. hmmmm wonder if it is my subconscious at all.
So once again.. I find myself totally lost.. alone in the wilderness and having to stop demanding and start supplicating..
Friday, March 8, 2013
Sometimes it feels like I am practicing head in the sand faith.. You know, just hide your head in the sand and God will take away everything. Yeah.. That's not what faith is about.
First off, I don't want to practice my faith, I want to LIVE it. I fail, every single solitary day. Honestly, I don't even practice, let alone live it. I hide it in the sand!!
Life is going along ok, then starts getting rocky, then starts getting bad.. Then I start hiding all my problems in the sand.. I ignore them.. Then I get desperate and what do I do? Yep, you got it.. I call on God..
Then I walk this stupid line of guilt and need. I haven't been faithful to God, I haven't lived my life to His glory. I have totally messed it up. Then when it gets so bad I can't fix it.. what do I do? I call out to God for help. Then I feel guilty, why? Because I have not honored my previous promises.. Yet God ALWAYS honors His.
I am so lost.. I would like to say I am confused.. baffled, bemused and confused.. but that isn't the case! I close my eyes to my bad choices then let God bail me out.. I live in fear, constantly. I need to break this cycle. I need to stop being the prodigal child and start being the child that stands by her Father. Be there first!
I think I started on that goal today. I think I am working towards a proper faith. Today, this is my goal.. yet I fear that tomorrow I will once again fail.