Supplication or Demand

So after yesterday's melt down and total life collapse.. I did what I usually do.. I asked God for help.. But this time I said the words I had held forever in my heart.

Are you really there? and why am I not good enough, even for You? 

It was an intense moment. A question of my very faith. I have always and I mean always believed in God.. and to hear myself utter the unbelievable question, Are You real, astounded me. And yet, they have echoed in my heart for many years. 

There are times when I feel like I am just talking to air.. and yet whenever I really look back over my life, I see that God was indeed there.. protecting me from the more serious consequences of my incredibly stupid bad choices. But I wonder, why do my miracles always come in the invisible manner.. by that I mean become obvious only after the fact? Just once couldn't I have this grand moment? 

It'd hard to say the envy in my heart.. for those who live day by day in God's love.. with a spouse that loves and admires them. With a roof over their heads and a family around them. With friends.. while I sit here day after day alone.. Deeply and extremely alone. Of all the commandments I break.. coveting has to be my absolute worst.. I have this deep seeded need for family.. one that truly and completely loves me. And yet, I just can't get it... I have to wonder why not? What is wrong with me? 

Is it because I walk the fence between Christianity and secularity? I can not fathom living a wild life and I stumble constantly at living a Christ like one.. What is wrong with me? How can I fix this? Don't know if I can.. Although, I can put myself in God's hands and stop trying to be the one who does all the work... That is hard.. let go and let God.. how do people do that? 

I fear so very deeply.. it invades my dreams and yet when the darkness comes and my dreams are at their worst.. I find myself singing hymns.. Yep in my subconscious I know to put my life in God's hands.. hmmmm wonder if it is my subconscious at all.

So once again.. I find myself totally lost.. alone in the wilderness and having to stop demanding and start supplicating.. 

Shauni