This is a blog long time in coming and one I have taken great pains on.
I spent my entire life being the good girl.. Honestly, my teenage years were a parent's dream. Aside from an unreasonable fear of my parents (who never did anything to cause it) I was a parent's dream. I came home when I said I would, I did my homework, I went to and was active in church, girl scouts and school. Shoot I even went to a Private Protestant High School by choice.. yes I was the good girl. I had a strong faith and an even stronger support system. When I stumbled I was wise enough to go to people who were there for me. AND I was truly happy.. no doubts, no questions, no secret desire to become the wild child.
Over time my fortress fell.. I changed churches, moved, created a new life.. and in doing so I slowly sowed the seeds of my own destruction. Oh don't get me wrong I always believed in God.. but so do many non Christians.. I had become the worst of the worst a "social" Christian.. A Do Gooder with no anchor.
I stopped Daily Devotions I was too busy
I married unwisely and then followed so many of his questionable Christian beliefs.. instead of following my own convictions.
I went to a church that didn't support my convictions.. I won't critisize the church as I met plenty of God Fearing Christians who were devoted to God's work while there, but it wasn't the right fit for me.
I left that church and didn't fill the space with another
I floundered.. made excuses for lies and deceit
I got involved in some questionable websites w/some questionable people (nothing illegal just questionable)
I stole.. yes I actually stole things little things, shoplifting things that fit in my pocket but seriously for a girl who let the petty theft of a package of M&M's made as a child eat at her for years until she went back and paid for it as a teenager.. this was huge.. and it doesn't matter.. stealing is stealing..
Do you see the slow decline? Oh this didn't happen all at once I would say it happened over 20 years or so. Then one day I woke up and realized I was no longer walking in God's Grace.. I had become the Prodigal Child.. I had walked away from my heavenly father.. WOW..what a powerful conviction.. I was almost thrown to my knees.. and still I didn't rush back to Our Father and beg forgiveness.. no I considered it.. I worked around it.. and eventually I excused it. I oh yeah.. this is good.. I COMPARTMENTALIZED my life..
Yes I recognized my sin but had yet to address it.. It was hard for me to let go.. to un compartmentalize my life.. it still is..
I am happy to say I returned to Our Father's house.. oh it is still a daily struggle to remain the "good child" I haven't found that support system that anchored me in my earlier life. I struggle with daily devotions.. I know how can one not want to speak with God? I speak, I talk to God all the time, tell Him my thoughts and feelings, what is going on in my life.. what I fail to do on a regular basis is LISTEN!! And that is where the trouble always starts..
I am working on finding that support base I know Daily Devotions should be first.. but to me they seem almost intertwined. It's like AA.. yes quitting drinking is important but having a place where you can go and share your thoughts and feelings about quitting drinking helps.. I know how dare I compare my support base.. aka, my church of choice, to AA.. but to me the similarities are there so go with it..
I don't know if it was actually finally time to write this post.. but I was compelled.. so I think.. this was me finally LISTENING to what God has instructed.. I am halfway there.. well, I took my first foot steps and am on the path.
Hope this post finds a place in someone's heart.. it came from mine